Is Death a Sleep Killer?

Is death keeping me from sleeping? Getting older is a beautiful experience due to the wisdom you gain and the experiences you have. The hard part is losing the ones you love. As an adult death becomes more apart of your life than you would ever expect. I don’t think I was prepared mentally for this one.

Recently I flew back home for a few days to support my husband because we had a death in the family. I have never been great with death not say anyone else is but It always leaves a long lasting affect on me. I completely understand death being a part of life but like I always say everyone reacts differently to situations. I have been lucky to only have been to a handful of funerals in my lifetime.

The first funeral I remember going to was when I was about nine years old and it is was my friend April. I moved from New Jersey to Louisiana and everyone made fun of my accent except for one person, April. April looked like a baby doll. She had long jet black hair, fair skinned, and big brown eyes. I recall sitting under the tree during recess alone longing for my friends back home in New Jersey while eating shock tarts.

April came to me and said “Hey I love those may I have one?” As I passed her the candy she started asking me questions and taking an interest in the kid she assumed was a cool loner. April is thinking I am this mysterious cool girl, little did she know no one wanted to talk to me hence me being under a damn tree eating candy alone. She was very friendly and had such a warm disposition so we became fast friends.

After that every recess we played ball and ate shock tarts. Then it all came to end one evening when her and her family got into a fatal accident on the train tracks. I remember my mom telling me of my friend’s death and truly understanding that I wouldn’t be able to play with her anymore. We went to the funeral to say our final goodbyes and I had never seen anyone in a casket before. She appeared so calm and discolored. Death had weaken her doll like features and her big brown eyes were closed. I don’t think I was ever the same after that. After her passing I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t sleep alone for awhile.

Leading us to the current day of Jay’s grandfather’s passing. He was the sweetest older man you wanted to know. He always knew how to make you feel special. When I met him for the first time and spoke with him he told me his full name but then said you call me “Grandpa”. The lord allowed Me and him after that to spend one Thanksgiving where he announced that I would marry his grandson and a couple of home trips from the Middle East. Although he had passed I was glad that we told him of our marriage and he knew once he left this world that we did something he would be proud of.

Grandpa’s funeral was different for me. Every time I had went to a funeral before it was all in one day. Grandpa’s funeral was two days long. The first day was the wake, service, and repass. The second day was the burial. I’d never been to a wake were you gaze upon the deceased for hours. I was so close to Grandpa’s body. I have never experienced death at that level before. After all the first day’s activities were over I fell ill. I became so sick that I couldn’t stop vomiting.

Despite my own feelings and sickness I pushed them to the side to support. I managed to get through the burial but I was still a wreck. Although Grandpa’s funeral was sad I got to really immerse myself within my new family. I loved and cherished that time we all got to have with one another. It was most definitely bittersweet moment. Now that I’m back in the UAE and settled I am having the hardest time sleeping.

I’ve been up every night since. As I write this post it is 4:03 am, I pray to God that I can relax soon because I know all this staying up isn’t good for my body. I know this will pass and I will be back on a sleep schedule soon. I think I just have to feel whatever is I feel and then move on.

I am not going to lie, sometimes I long for the lazy high school weekends when I could be in bed by 10pm and didn’t wake up until 2pm the next day. No one tells you as a kid when you are in such a hurry to grow up that when you get there the “care-free” days are over.

xoxo

Mother Bared