Moving Forward On My Terms

It’s been a little over a year since my precious angel Jaymie has passed on. For those 22 weeks, he was the light of my life. Now that he is gone, some of my days feel dark. Most days are unexplained emotions filled with corrective moments.

When people ask me how I am I never know now if it’s casual or if they can see what I hide. Jaymie’s death impacted my entire family in different ways. I constantly rewire my mind daily to remind myself I did everything a mother could to save his life.

Now I am moving forward. Finding a way to navigate and enjoy new things without the feeling that I am leaving him behind. I fear being caught up in a new life with overwhelming joy that it won’t include his memories.

It will erase our experience because my new life feels so good.

For months. I thought I didn’t deserve to feel good because I thought I had a defective body. All negative thoughts covered in desperation to make sense of my sorrow. It needs to be someone’s fault right? How can I heal when I don’t know why?

Although I don’t know why it soothes me to know that it didn’t break me. I can still share laughs with my love and dance like no one is watching. My mental health is improving daily but the only way to truly heal is to expose yourself.

Friends of ours a couple of months back had a baby shower in NJ. I was so excited for them and their little boy. We brought them a beautiful personalized baby blanket.

Jay and I never left the hotel room after arriving in NJ. I found myself sobbing in the middle of the night.

My cries awoke my husband and I couldn’t handle it. I became very angry. I shouted loudly, “you should leave me because my body doesn’t work!”

My husband just held me and assured me of his devotion. Jay rubbed my back to help soothe me. He allowed me space to grieve.

Space created allowed me to grief without judgment. We both lived in our hurt. The beautiful part was it was together.

Death of a child can result in the ending of a relationship. We have done nothing but draw closer to each other during this difficulty. This has been a true test of our foundation we’re so solid.

Recently, we were invited to another baby shower by a friend from work. I found myself nervous. That day I ran a 5k and cleared my mind. I started my coping mechanisms early to prepare for what was to come.

A few hours before the event I was surprised at the strength I had to show up. Although I knew we couldn’t stay long due to Jay’s school demands.

Our plan was to drop the gift off and return home.

When we arrived and I grabbed the gift from the backseat. I walked along the path towards the door awkwardly. With each step, I felt my anxiety start to build. I didn’t know whether I would survive it.

As we approached the door our friend met us with her smiling face. We hugged and then I gave her our gift. I tried not to pay attention to the details of the baby decor and allow myself some reprieve. My hands started to get clammy and sweat was trickling down the small of my back.

The plan to deflect failed me miserably. As I greeted other people I caught the baby decor in the corner of my eye. Her aesthetic made all my old plans for Jaymie real all over again. I remembered getting his shower invitations in the mail a few days after he’d died.

Wondering how do we throw them out? How do I move on? At that point, I started to unravel. It sucked being naked within my emotion and having nowhere to hide.

Furthermore, I became trapped in my own physical depression without a joke to make it all better.

My mindset is like a switch to break awkward situations with a funny joke. There was only one problem, my brain wasn’t working to correct it. I was drowning and couldn’t save me. People were talking but I could no longer hear.

I felt a wave of heat rise from my chest through my neck. The feeling of stress became too high and I needed to retreat.

Finally, I communicated to Jay with a squeeze of a hand that I needed to be free. We left the situation quietly but I am sure people knew something was off. I became embarrassed over my mental break down but proud at the same time.

I allowed me to be present.

It allowed me to experience life without emotional limitations. I didn’t let the fear of what would happen win. Choosing yourself over fear is the best win you could ever receive.

We still have a long road ahead.

My life will never be what it was before Jaymie. I finally know now that I will be ok. Even if I have to cry, leave, and correct. I know I will be ok.

Today is October 15th Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will cry a little but I will mostly be celebrating the light of my life. My son, Jamison T. Nunn Esq. II.

Mom and Dad love you. We feel your energy every day. Your time on earth within my body has made us even better people. Thank you…

Your Parents

I love you for reading

Jaymie’s Mom