Today I Thought of My Dad!

Today I woke up to a crazy loud knock on the door along with insane amounts of doorbell ringing. Startled from my sleep I ran to the door thinking it may have been Jay. So I call out his name and said I am coming to the door. Something told me look through the peephole to make sure it was him before opening.

Dragging myself down the hallway I stammer “I’m coming!” I look through the hole and I see this Indian salesman. He says open the door madam. I was like no! Thinking in my mind STRANGER DANGER! Then he asked me did I feel like hearing a sales pitch about purified water. I said “No Thank You …Mmm Kay Bye”

Struggling to get back to bed I slowly start to become angry because now this asshole who wanted to talk about water has interrupted my damn beauty sleep. I get in the bed anyway. I throw the covers over my head to create darkness and then nothing. I was wide fucking awake. What a shit head! Now that I was awake I guess I should get my day started right?

I made breakfast and then did my make-up for a taping for my youtube channel. As I am setting up the lighting and stuffing chicken in my mouth I realize it is my dad’s birthday. I started to think of him. Searching my mind for some good memory of our time together.

It is so sad that I couldn’t really think of anything. As I looked at this picture closely you see this little girl in aww. This little girl looking at this man as if he is the strongest and most dutiful. Her facial expression oozes innocent love and the yearn for acceptance. Looking at the man although posing for the picture you see his focus wasn’t on the little girl but on himself.

Even then when I saw him as a hero he missed that moment. He missed the moment sitting right there. That’s crazy huh? This photo explained most of my life up until my mid 20’s. I was just sitting there waiting, smiling, and hoping my dad would see me.

I know what you are thinking, I’m going to make this I hate my father post. It is exactly the opposite. I have come so far from those moments of darkness. I can have rational conversations about my dad without a break down. You know why? I have accepted that the vision I had for what my father should have been is something he can’t be. The person I thought my dad should have been was complied of things I saw on television and from what I saw from other children around me who had dad’s.

That wasn’t a realistic notion to have when the person you are desiring these qualities from just isn’t capable or willing.

I accept my dad for who he is. He is not the father who is involved in his children’s lives. He is not the dad who will worry, call you, or even care for you when your ill. He is the dad who stands in a position of the collector. My dad has lived most of his life with the thoughts of his children owing him for their existence. From the kind of mother I had that idea is just insane and comical.

The political thing to say is “I love my father for making me.” but do any of us scorn children believe that?

Due to the holes and sporadic appearances I have nothing to back up any other emotions for my dad. If someone was to ask me at least five characteristics of my dad it would take me quite sometime to think about it. Then after I probably would get multiple things wrong.

We’re practically strangers who are related due to events he and my mother engaged in back in the 80’s. Although strangers I have to give him one credit. His one action introduced me to the most beautiful, loving, and intelligent woman I know, my mom.

My mom has always been the one consistent person in my life. She has cared for me unconditionally through out my whole life and you know what her LOVE has always been enough. God knew that when I was made. God always knows best.

This little girl in this photo has a mother who never let her hand go for a second. I knew even then I was the most important thing in my mother’s life. Her face although not having all the answers she knew she would figure them out with me at her side. That’s love!

To my dad’s credit that was the best interaction he ever made because I was lucky enough to have met her.

So when I think of him now, I replace all the bad memories with that interaction at the very wedding he met my favorite person in the world, my mom.

Wherever my dad is now on his special day I hope he is blessed and that he is smiling.

It’s great that life has allowed us to smile at the same time together. It’s like they say artist with a past make the best writers.

I hope it’s a good one dad 🙂